Master (Mediocre) Chef....
Master Mediocre Chef
I really wish I was good at cooking, I honestly do, but the fact of the matter is … I’m just not. I mean don’t get me wrong, we don’t starve or anything in our household but somehow, something always seems to go wrong between the journey from my brain to my hands when reading a recipe and then attempting to make it.
I love nothing more than to look at new recipes that show up in my inbox from the various cooking sites I follow, pour over the cookbooks that sit idly by on my bookshelf waiting to be put to the test, and especially enjoy watching shows like MasterChef and Great (insert country name) Bake Off on TV. It’s just that someone up there decided that my talents lie in other areas (sure wish they could’ve shared with me where exactly though!).
If there was a cooking show based on my valiant attempts to produce something new and exciting in the kitchen, they would probably have a title like:
· ‘Love It or Leave It’
Or, maybe
· ‘How Low Can You Go’ (baking obviously)
However, if you had’ve asked my mother, she would’ve probably told you that I have a pretty stubborn side to my personality, and so refuse to give up attempting new dishes and keep cooking my same repertoire for the rest of time.
I have had a few attempts recently at inviting my husband’s family around now that we are living close by, including for Easter Sunday and Mother’s Day lunch, and recently we threw a 90th birthday surprise afternoon tea for my mother-in-law.
To make it even more challenging though, is that my darling father-in-law is one of the plainest and fussiest eaters I have ever met, with a list an arm’s length long of what foods he will not partake in eating, which include but are not limited to: tomato, onion, garlic, seafood, BBQs, spicy food. As you can imagine, this makes the choice of what to serve slightly more challenging than usual.
The abovementioned “scenarios” unfolded something like this:
. Easter
I was under the impression that it would be myself, my husband and my in-laws for Easter Sunday lunch, so I prepared quantities reflective of this. I think the menu was shepherd’s pie and vegetables and apple and rhubarb crumble for dessert, I thought suitable and not too fancy dishes to be able to offend.
The reality: My beautiful daughter decided to turn up and surprise me (which was wonderful by the way) but who, even though only a petite little poppet, can put away roughly the same amount of food as a 6ft-plus athlete. The next unexpected, though warmly welcomed guest, was my brother-in-law, who my husband had forgotten to invite but was able to join us also on the day. Somehow, my meal that was planned for four, suddenly needed to stretch to six+! I felt absolutely embarrassed, as we tried to eke out the paltry amount of food on the table to feed everyone and wouldn’t have been surprised if they stopped to grab takeaway on the way home to fill up on! No amount of apologising could make me feel better over that lunch. Strike 1#.
. Mother’s Day lunch
This time I knew for sure how many participants were going to be there; phew, one crisis averted! Even though I knew that BBQ was on my father-in-law’s less than favourite list, I thought at least he would eat the sausages, potato bake and apple pie, that were amongst what I would serve if nothing else and also, it was Mother’s Day, not Father’s Day!
However, me being me again, something had to go awry. Making the potato bake, I failed to read the recipe properly (how unusual!) and put the casserole dish in the oven without the lid on for the first part of the cooking process. When I thought it must be time to sprinkle the cheese on top so it would go all bubbly and golden brown, and actually read the packet again, I realised that for the first part of the cook, I should’ve had the lid on. Now what should’ve been a lovely bubbly, saucy, casserole dish of potatoes was a dry, shrivelled up blob of goodness knows what!
Time to bake the apple pie. Of course, I was never going to attempt to make my own from scratch; I haven’t lost that much touch with reality, so Sara Lee came to the rescue (she’s good like that). What could go wrong you would think? Well, we are talking me again here, and having not used the oven previously in our new home, I once again didn’t check what shelf I should’ve put said pie on and probably (knowing me) what temperature it should be on either. As a result, what should have been a pie with a lovely golden brown top, turned out to be a decidedly sunburnt and very crunchy concoction instead. Quite embarrassing when it is your in-laws and your mother-in-law can make just about everything from scratch including apple pie - no packet/premade food goods in that kitchen! Strike #2
. 90th Surprise Party
Finally, the surprise 90th birthday afternoon tea for my wonderful and much-loved mother-in-law, inviting all her neighbours. One of the first of many challenges was, how do you surprise someone who lives in a small town, whose house is in a court and who knows all the comings and goings of almost everyone in the street? The first task was getting invitations to all of the invitees without her seeing this. Knowing that she could just about tell us each of the neighbours’ cars by sight, their visitors, whether they were home or away, amongst other things, this was never going to be an easy feat!
I printed out the invitations and it was up to my husband to be the secret squirrel, to covertly drive under the cover of darkness, park the car down the street and in a stealth-like operation, put the invitations in the respective mailboxes. I did, however, have a light bulb moment and requested the guests on the day of the event to park their cars around the corner, so my mother-in-law wouldn’t twig when she arrived for afternoon tea with supposedly just the family.
Next challenge, what food to prepare? A few weeks before the event, I researched various recipe sites to get ideas for an appropriate afternoon tea menu, having never prepared one before in my life. Okay, step one: I roughly figured out what would be appropriate and quantities.
Next, it can’t be a birthday without a birthday cake. I actually toyed with the idea of practising baking a cake myself as a trial run and seeing how it turned out. That thought lasted for …. hmm, I’d say about 10 minutes before common sense kicked in, because anything I have ever previously attempted to bake has failed, so what would be the point? I am, if nothing else, a realist after all!
I then decided to visit the three bakeries in town and see what they had in the way of celebration cakes that I could order. Alas, none of them had anything suitable, only massively creamy, uber-rich-looking cakes that didn’t even appeal to me, let alone my mother-in-law. Plan B: clever husband thought of asking one of the neighbours who had lived there forever and she luckily knew of a lady at her church who baked and could help us – win/win!
Next, we gathered a variety of sweet treats, and on the day of the party, I made up a tray of sandwiches. The final piece de resistance in my plan was scones and jam and cream, I thought very afternoon tea-ish. So, that morning off I trekked again to the bakeries and local supermarkets to purchase said scones. What could go wrong, you could again say (or not, that’s fine)? Well, as fate would have it, unfortunately there was not one scone to be had in the whole town of Cobram, Victoria, a fact I thought very strange (and upsetting), considering the majority of the population of 6,000 residents are probably aged over 70 and would eat scones I would imagine, and also we are in the land of the CWA (Country Women’s Association) who are renowned for their baking skills. I honestly try because I really do care!
Somehow, miraculously, I managed to cobble together enough food for our guests and no-one went hungry. My mother-in-law was so surprised and overwhelmed (yay, we did it!) and when she walked in, after seeing all her neighbours there cheering her on and wishing her ‘Happy Birthday’, she looked directly at my husband and I and said, ‘How did you lot pull this off?!’, as she wiped the tears away from her eyes. Gosh, I love that woman! No-one had ever thrown her a party before and we were just so blessed to have that opportunity. Win #1
I guess what the above scenarios have shown me is, that it’s not about what I cook or what things can go wrong in my kitchen, but that it is about bringing us all together and enjoying the time we have with one another. Life is too short not to enjoy the special moments and celebrations. Also, I’ll just keep on, keeping on … luckily for me I have a very understanding and non-fussy eater for a partner. Bon appetito!