'The Eyebrow Situation'
‘THE EYEBROW SITUATION’
I spoke in my latest book, ‘Musings of a Menopausal, Insomniac, Crazy Dog Lady’, about how as we age, our hair starts thinning in various locations, my particular issue being the hair on my head and my eyebrows, or what I call ‘the eyebrow situation’. This involves not only my eyebrows starting to go white from once being originally black but also thinning to near non-existence.
After moving interstate this year, I needed to find a beautician to ‘reinstitute’ my now disappearing eyebrows, as it is totally out of my pay grade and/or skillset to do it myself. I found a local beauty salon, booked an appointment and explained my dilemma to the lovely attendant on the day. However, I’m not sure what look she thought I was going for, as when I got home I looked in the mirror and my once not quite so lush but definitely still visible eyebrows had been waxed to near extinction and dyed black in colour. As I gasped in horror at the sight of myself, the only thing I could think of was I looked like a character out of the Angry Birds movie! I had two black lines that looked like I had drawn them on with a thin pencil and I just looked … well, cross. There was no natural shape to them, just two lines slanted upwards at an angle. Sigh, so now I am back to colouring them in again, to give myself some semblance of a natural looking eyebrow until they grow back.
Before I ventured down the path of the beautician, I had actually clicked on one of those Instagram links with some fancy doodah, where you could just stamp your eyebrows on with a stamp dipped in special eyebrow stuff. Hmm, I thought, that looks like a good idea. The model in the ad looked great and made it look easy. They looked similar to the shape of my eyebrows. Why not give it a go? (You think after all this time of trying things I have seen on the internet that I would have learnt my lesson by now wouldn’t you, but there you go!).
As I excitedly unwrapped the package, I was hoping that all my troubles would be solved with this new wonder product. I followed the instructions which were written in minuscule print on the leaflet to a tee and bravely stood in front of the mirror. Right, I thought, I can do this. I put the stamp on my eyebrows as instructed, then put my glasses on to see the results. Oh lord, once again I looked like Joan Crawford out of Mommie Dearest, following my own do-it-yourself home eyebrow dyeing experience! Not the outcome I was hoping for. It was nothing like the natural shape of my eyebrows.
To make it worse, as I vainly tried to wipe the stuff off with makeup remover, it was like permanent ink and wouldn’t budge. When my husband got home, I got a very strange double-take look from him, and I hastily brushed my fringe over my eyebrows to try to cover up the scene of the crime. It’s official – I give up!!!!
When I thought more about it, I realised how ridiculous I had been. How on earth could there be one template for eyebrows? Mother Nature didn’t give us templates. She didn’t say, for example, this baby will grow up with a Roman nose, arched eyebrows and a dimpled chin or this baby will grow up with a button nose, rounded eyebrows and a receding chin. Sometimes my naivety with online shopping even surprises myself!
However, it's not just my eyebrows that challenge me in the beauty department, but also makeup.
I’ve always struggled with picking the correct shade of makeup for my skin tone. You know the moment where you think you’ve done an okay job of putting on your foundation (without glasses of course) and then see a photo of yourself or catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror in the shopping centre, and you realise your face and neck are both a totally different colour and you are looking like Donald T’s spray tan artist has applied your foundation?!
Speaking of foundation, am I the only person who finds it impossible to work out what the right shade is for my skin? I have done those online match your perfect colour tests (I know again, delusional right?!). It was impossible. What colour skin undertones do you have? Green, yellow, pink, blue – how on earth would I know!?
I find it as impossible to buy foundation online as I do bras, shoes or trousers (that are actually not two foot too long for me). Unless you go to one of those fancy makeup stores where the attendant can advise you (and you trust them not to let you look ridiculous), then you are on your own buddy! Living now in a rural town, as we don’t have fancy makeup stores, I am definitely living life on the edge with my make-up scenario. I think with all the money I have spent on my online shopping fails, I could have probably bought myself a cruise around the Mediterranean and/or my own personal makeup artist!